Tuesday, November 04, 2008
5:55 PM ● I GIVE UP

remember the first time we met?
'hello.i'm shijie and i know you're michelle. haha'
the second time, you were early for work.sat with me before i knock off.
you asked me to touch your hands that were burning warm.
was weird cos we've only met once.
other things happened and before i know what,
i realised i was falling for you, i couldn't eat properly.
my heart beat was really painful while waiting for your replies.
i hate to see shadows of her in you.
later, i saw you as you. still the feelings was there.
at first you told me it would be unfair. so i waited.
not long later, you kissed me. i loved it.
thought it was alright. thought maybe you loved me, ready to accept me.
the next day. you sang the song casually, or not.
somehow i caught the meaning. felt that all was ending.
i cried. you asked why.
you told me we were too fast. so i agreed.
we should slow down. we went back to friends.
in the meanwhile, i waited.
allowed you to do as you please.
i played along.
as for you, you caught my bestfriend's attention
which didnt even notice until all was too late.
what kind of a bestfriend am i?
i wonder.
i hurt her by playing with you in her presence.
was this right?
i decided for both of us to treat you as a crush and share you.
didnt even really discuss with her only decided on it on my own and told her to do it.
how selfish?
we failed, maybe, i failed.
i believe, not only to me.but to us.
you already surpass the stage of a crush, one that we will fall for the first sight.
thats the reason why its so difficult.
i can see her guilt when facing me
& her smiles when she's facing you.
do you get me?
sometimes i'm really nice, other times really mean to you.
the reason?
i dont know how should i face you,
how i should behave in front of you anymore.
everything have changed.
why do your face change when we talk about my crush or her crush?
maybe not crush, but the people we like or used to like?
you give the wrong signals at times.
we thought you were jealous.
thought you cared.
when i just decide on purely fun and happiness with you,
i said,'freak. i miss you'
wanted to know if you feel the same way.
but you chose to ignore.
do you know how much courage i took to type those words?
it wasnt as simple as telling a friend like usual.
how many cells were killed in process of deciding whether to send?
but you chose to ignore.
the next day.
i decided to force you say it by saying i will give you a nice reward.
once again, you chose to ignore.
the thing now is not whether you had dinner with her anot.
not whether normally or not.do you think that really mattered?
what mattered is i woke up.
not exactly due to the dinner but many many other details.
we've gone to far for me to hang on.
thought i was 'strong?' enough to continue having fun without thinking.
but i guess, i really cant.
cant stop myself from seeing you have fun with us and do nothing about it.
cant see both me and her getting hurt without doing anything about it.
cant stop searching for the future that is not visible.
now you're telling me you are only wanting things to go slower.
you dont like it fast.
so i should continue to be tortured? while you continue to have fun?
tell you, i really tried.
was just thinking.
we might be able to have gone slow. but think back.
have you took the wrong step in this 'game'?
used to comfort myself.
by saying we are too fast and all,
i saved it under the fact 'she's serious and sensible.wants us to last'
by not wanting to say she love me so early,
i saved it under the fact 'she meant her words seriously when she says it'
but what happened to 'aku cinta kamu' or however it should be spelt?
after all this that have happened,
i dont know if its still under the same fact folder.
guess within this 2 years that you are single,
you've already experienced alot of people like me.
thought one more wont hurt.
throughout this whole time, i convinced myself to give up more than 4 times.
everytime when i mananged to do so, i feel a strong sense of relief.
really thought i could do it.
but how many times i tried, its how many times i failed.
i really shouldnt blame it on you too much right?
from the start it was me.
zi ji xiang tai duo.
i understand.
so i've decided once again.
I GIVE UP.
and this time, for the fifth time, i hope its final. no more trick or treats.
halloween's over.

edited;
sorry for forcing you to ask for this chance.
sorry for doing all this, making you feel guilty.you really dont need to.
i dont want to. but i cannot continue seeing the three of us like that.
friends really mean too much to me.
furthermore,its not just any other friends. its her.
i took so much courage to sms you to cancel today.
had to stop my tears.i was in lecture.
and i realised.
you still havent actually made up your mind.
then why are you telling me all these?

off to work. working is my best way to kill time now.

xxxxxx

( Run back to me!. )