RUN.

Friday, November 21, 2008

11:34 PM ● I AM SO FUCKING LOST!what do i really want?!

maybe, if i dont like you so much, so much close to love, i would have really gave up.
maybe, if you and her did not do anything, we might be together.
if you two are together now, maybe i might not be able to face you all.maybe i might be happier. maybe i will feel very hurt. maybe it'll help me in my healing process. maybe i will forget you. maybe we wont be friends. maybe we'll get closer.
WTF AM I SAYING?! i really dont know. thought i have alr given up, thought i werent in pain anymore, thought i could face the both of you. thought i could give up, thought i could forget, thought i could be so generous.but i couldnt do it. heart still ached still pained when you two communicated, more than friends, laughed and played. maybe i was good at covering up my feelings, or, maybe both of you werent sensitive enough to notice my pain, maybe, you two were just having fun and forgot my feelings. i know, I KNOW i said i'll give up. i thought i could. i was proud of myself. jieying was proud of me! but, why?! why must i fail when i see you two together?! when the bunch of us were out ytd, i felt so extra. i had to pretend! pretend i am very close to the rest, not only you two, so i wont have to walk beside you two, and kill myself. i hate it. seriously, i did not enjoy myslef ytd. the whole night with you all felt so fake. not that you all were acting, but its me! just me. i'm so sick of having to put up a strong front, put up a cant be bothered attitude,covering,closing my eyes so i cant see what you two are doing,walking far far away so i cannot hear what you two were saying/laughing about?i'm so sick of acting the angel. is it really right to put friends before anything else? is it really right to give up what i really want for friendship? is it right to hide my feelings so i can protect hers? is it right for me to always give way to others? why am i not protecting my rights? should i follow what meiyun says?treat others like how they treat you? whats happening to me? GOD please help me!make me stronger. make me smarter.maybe i'm greedy, i'm okay if you make me less sensitive! seldom people ask for less right? would you just grant it to me? why cant i be determined? why cant i be strong in the inside? why must i only act firm, determined when i cannot control frim within?! i fucking hate myself. the stupid weak brains that cannot control my emotions. who can show me where should i i go what should do? i wish, life is really a stage. whereby, everything is planned out for me. then i wouldnt be so tired thinking about the consequences everytime.its so damn tiring. really
but. i shall continue. my best to be determined. until, one day i wont feel hurt even when she's on her way to your house, even when you show jealousy cos of somethings she said/do. i will. so, to help me move on with life, i will return all your things, hope we dont contact at all. i will move on. and so, this will be the last post that will concern you. the next time i post, i swear, even if its gonna be an angry, sad, or whatever emotions post. ITS NEVER GONNA BE ABOUT YOU AGAIN. if it is, i will. delete that post. if not, even deleting the whole blog. stop myself from blogging.

sometimes, i really want to dote & show some love.but, i know, it'll never be you.

sometimes, i want someone to care. but, it'll never be you.

sometimes, i wanna be loved. but, you can never give me that.

sometimes, i wanna feel important. but, i'd never be important to you.

sometimes, i want a hug. but i'll never be given you.

sometimes, i need a shoulder to lean on.but i know it'll never be yours.

sometimes, i need to confide. but, it'll never be you.

sometimes, i'll think about love. but, it'll never be you.

sometimes, i miss kisses. but,it'll never come from you.

sometimes, i'll be waiting for messages. but, i'd never be waiting for your's.

sometimes, i'll think. but, i'll never let myself think about you.

sometimes, i'll cry. and hope, it isnt for you.

sometimes, i'll see things. please dont let things remind me of you.

sometimes, i become dumb and do stupid things. but, never in front of you again.

sometimes, life's unfair. but, i'll survive through these down times.